Message from "Sophie"

Message originates in the ectoplasm of the year 1805, Boulogne-Sur-Mer.

This revenant partially materialized and was an attractive young woman who appears to have died shortly after having attained her majority.

The message is addressed to one of Napoleon's soldiers named Sebastien (surname unknown) who had been billeted nearby.*

START OF SPIRITUAL CORRESPONDENCE (translated) "We made love in the fields above the town by the light of Congreve rockets fired from those fucking Limey ships and it was wonderful. You promised you would return to me. But instead you followed Napoleon like a puppy. Well, surprise. You got me 'with puppy' too. So I drowned myself with your puppy inside me, Sebastien, in a largely forgotten and unused well in the forest behind my grandmother's farm. I lifted up the cover and threw myself in. It was a terrible moonless night. I remember the owls seeming to laugh before I did this. The worst part is I struggled for hours (it seemed days!) in that freezing water before I died. Like a rat in the middle of the ocean. Only a few miles from my warm bed. Nobody ever even found my body. The townspeople said I had run off to be an understudy to a whore in Paris. My parents cursed my name the rest of their lives. They'd spit when people mentioned me. Lovely. This was my great reward for our night of pleasure. Still, I think of you. And hope that it is not truly too late.

P.S. Funny, I had thought death would be my abortionist. But the child's spirit is with me still. And worse: he has the rage of the eternally unborn. This really sucks. Please find me soon and let me know my attentions were not misplaced."
END CORRESPONDENCE



*"Napoleon amassed La Grande Armée in Boulogne to invade the United Kingdom in 1805. However, his plans were halted by other European matters and the supremacy of the Royal Navy."

Message from "Daisy" (Lynn, Massachusetts)

The message originates in the ectoplasm of a nursing home which lingers in one of the sporting goods aisles of a present-day WALMART.

The communicant's ectoplasm appears to be the form of a woman approximately ninety years of age.

MESSAGE (uncensored): "I! Want my. Fuckin! Teef!"

Message is looped and shrill. Spirit will not respond.

Notes: Spirit is vehemently angry. Dentures repeatedly "fall" out of the mouths of customers in this part of the store and are subsequently lost altogether. Department and store managers have repeatedly searched for these dental prosthetics with no success, and it's now become an inside joke when an employee encounters a shopper down on all fours scouting for false teeth. Legal action has been threatened against the store, but none yet taken. It has been explained during team meetings that no employee is allowed to reveal the overall pattern of missing teeth to any individual shoppers as pandemonium would surely ensue.

Message from "Staci" (Venice Beach, CA)

The message originates in the ectoplasm of a 1977 porn set in a locker room behind what used to be a racquetball court.

Message is for porn director "Syphilis Steve."

"Hey Asshole. We agreed on SEVEN. I counted NINE. I had a fucking guest shot lined up on Charlie's Angels. Farrah Fucking Fawcett, you amoeba. Who can feel peritonitis through cocaine?"

(Staci was apparently unaware "Syphilis Steve" had already crossed over as well, for he responded).

"Staci, great to hear from you! I can explain! So sorry about the C.A.. Not quite sure why you can't sense my ectoplasm or I can't get at yours. For some reason, my soul is trapped in Antarctica. There's nobody here. Even the penguins avoid me. Call me. I can get you work."

Facilitation by third party spiritual go-between was attempted but (unsurprisingly) no calls were returned.

Message from "Achima" (Ancient Alexandria)

Message originates in the ectoplasm of the 4th century B.C.

Message courteously translated by third party spirit Horace Dunkleberger (19th century theology student, d. 1879, appendicitis).

Recipient is Leonidas (?).

"I'm sorry I ever said anything."

Message from "Dorothea," (Waukegan?, IL)

Message is believed to originate in the ectoplasm of 1956.

Recipient not specified.

BEGIN CLAIRVOYANT TRANSCRIPTION: "Those are NOT the onions I wanted." END CLAIRVOYANT TRANSCRIPTION